I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
