I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
