You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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