I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
