Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
