my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
