It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
