I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
