im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
