I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
