Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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