Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
