Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
