And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
