well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
