He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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