So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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