Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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