I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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