About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
