you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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