Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
