You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
