stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
