I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
