I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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