Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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