I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
