A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize