I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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