Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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