Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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