I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
