obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
