Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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