I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
