the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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