I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
