i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you win again, gameday.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
