Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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