Your face is a jimmy john
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
