I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
