There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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