Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize