don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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