Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
no, he came in my armpit
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize