I puked a lego.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
