So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
