Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
