'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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