wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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