Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Couch. On fire.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
