your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
