yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize