Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize