I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
