shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
