i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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