I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's shark week go big or go home
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
