Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
