Little spoons don't ask big questions
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
