what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize