so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
