I want to have your abortion
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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