Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
