Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
