You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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