I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
